How can you explain to people that you’re lonely even when you’re in a crowded room?



(trigger warning…)

is more of a taboo topic. There are different types but I wanted to focus on one that personally happened to me. That still affects me still to this day. Child abuse. There are severe cases that make the news, but it’s not talked about enough. It’s something that we kind of suspect when we’re around certain people but no one is brave enough to ask the questions that those children/teenagers are silently pleading for you to ask. I was one of those children.

There are more accounts that I remember clearly than most. There are some that still haunt me to this day. The experiences so bad that I suffer from depression, anxiety and OCD. So bad that it ruins my relationships and that is a horrible thing to deal with. When people ask you, do you want to have children and you shake your head no, then the follow up question of why not? You pause, wanting to spill your horrific childhood out to that complete stranger but then you don’t and just reply, I just don’t see it happening.

When all I wanted was this big, happy family. Marriage, three to four children, even some dogs and cats. But knowing that, that option is off the table because you’re too scared to get intimate with a guy because the thought of physical contact scares you to the point where you’re crying in his bathroom floor, gasping for air, struggling to breathe because you worked yourself into a panic attack because he put his hand on your thigh without your knowledge of his intention. That you’re talking yourself out of a panic because you know that this gesture is comfortable for him because he did it with his other girlfriends and that what boyfriends or couples in general do to one another. Laying their hands against you, feeling comfortable, an act of intimacy.

I have never receive therapy or counseling for this. Who has the money for that because therapy sessions aren’t cheap. That diaries have became your own therapy sessions but writing can only sooth so much. When your abuser is still in your life and holds a small amount of power over you when you desperately want to hold power over your own life, especially over your abusers head. When saying goodbye to your abuser is more pain than gain because it’s just not them you’re saying goodbye to.

That negativity and anger is all you’ve known and that bleeds into your friendships and other relationships with different members of your family. When your other members on the other side of your family want so badly to heal you but you can’t. No matter how much you’ve prayed and wished for.

When you’ve learned how to live with the abuse you’ve endured for years. When you will continue to live with the abuse for, forever.

The Election

This is long… so bare with me.

Here it is November 12, 2016 and a few days have passed since Donald Trump was elected President. I have deleted my Facebook multiples time and did my best to ignore Twitter. I was tired of seeing the hate coming from Hillary supporters to third party voters. I was tired of the hate coming from some of my best friends because I voted third party.

I didn’t vote third party out of spite or revenge of what happened to Bernie Sanders, which was complete and utter bullshit might I add. I voted third party because I believed in Jill Stein and what she stood for. I didn’t support Hillary and I didn’t support Trump so why should I vote for the two primary choices that I didn’t support? I didn’t.

I knew from the very beginning that Trump was going to win. Why? Because America, the country that most of us live in, idolize celebrities and I mean all celebrities. The good, the bad and the ugly. (Not ugly attractive but ugly personality.) Where celebrities make national news instead of what country is basically being destroyed by bombs, (Syria.) Kim and Kanye West fueding with Taylor Swift over a line in Kanye’s song. Like who the fuck cares.

So watching most of America choose Trump as our new President was not shocking. It was surreal. I knew it was going to happen but watching it happen was a strange feeling. Disappointment, anger and fear was the emotions swirling through my brain as I watched from my dorm room. I sat my phone down, turned my television on mute and just stared into nothing. It really happened.

I didn’t want either to win but to see President elect Trump’s name flash across the bottom of the screen was a shell shocking experience. I couldn’t really even react because as surprised as I was, I really wasn’t because I just knew.

But the next day is when I was the angriest and not because Trump won (#hesnotmypresident) but because how many Hillary supporters were pointing the blame at third party voters and how much they were belittling them. I had never experienced something like this and I was pissed.

The day of election day, I expressed that there is always a third option, Jill and Gary to vote for, not just Hillary and Trump and I instantly started to get attacked by friends, people who I thought were my friends, who were supposed to ‘respect’ my beliefs and opinions. Who we were all on the Bernie train together and now I was like mortal enemy #1.

But on November 9, I was so upset, hurt and pissed at my friends, at Hillary supporters at the election in general. I wanted to scream because I was so angry. But I didn’t. I stopped and calmed down and took to social media with my emotions and vented. On Tumblr, Twitter (which I’ve now deleted) and went on a rant that went something like this:

“Dear people who are angry and are blaming third-party voters,

Hillary supporters, this letter is for you because I am angry at you. Now, I’m not mad at all Hillary supporters but the 97% that I am mad at, I’m talking to you. First of all, I’m sorry that you are hurt and disappointed an now are living with fear because Trump was elected our President. Something I didn’t want to happen but something that couldn’t be stopped.

As a woman, I live in fear with the men who laugh and agree with Trump’s ‘grab them by the pussy’ comment. I am fearful for me, walking alone back to my dorm at 3 in the morning after getting off of work that something could happen, something that is more likely to happen since Trump promotes rape culture.

To all of my Muslim, latino(a), black and lgbtq friends, my heart breaks for you especially. The fear that I live in now, is nothing compared to the fear you’re living in now. I’ve read the hate, I’ve heard it first hand and I am terrified that we as people who live in 2016 still have to experience racism, hatred, homophobia, prejudice and sexism. That instead of taking step forwards we are taking step backwards. It’s sad and heartbreaking to live in this world that all of this still exists. I don’t understand why people still want to have hate in their hearts when we all need love.

I try to understand the best that I can because I don’t go through the horrible experiences that you do daily. So would the best word be sympathize? Because I do. I really do. I understand your fears and why you’re angry. This is why I’m angry.

Not all but most Hillary supporters are pointing the blame at third party voters because Hillary lost and that’s shitty. Maybe Hillary lost because 50% of America didn’t show up to vote because they didn’t like her and they didn’t like Trump and they didn’t either like or know that there is another party they could’ve vote for but of course the media doesn’t share the light on the independent and green party. Which sucks.

Also 11,000 or 15,000 depending on what site your read voted for a dead Gorilla and 2,000 voted for a domestic beer and even less than that voted for Football players. They obviously did not take this election seriously. But instead of pointing the blame for that, you’re blaming us third party voters. Why?

You’re sending hate, lots of it something that you are protesting against (love trumps hate) to us. Hypocritical much? How dare you belittle someone for voting for who they believe in. Most, not all Trump supporters are doing the same to you and you’re pissed about it. So why do the same thing you’re fighting against? It isn’t fair, it isn’t right anti makes you all look stupid and hypocritical.

Like I said, I’m sorry you’re hurt and angry but taking it out on other voters suck. You’re just as bad as the bad Trump supporters that you’re fighting with. Belittling people to the point where they feel like the lowest piece of dirt on earth is no way to treat someone and you need to stop. As much as this world is not divided and how much hate is in it we need to stick together and spread love, fight hate with love because my god, we all need it.

A third party voter”

I’m sorry to anyone has received hate. I know we are living in fear, we’re angry and upset but we need to stick together. Spread love and positivity. Fight hate with love because we need as much love as we can get right now.

Stay strong.
I love you.

School and New Friendships

Starting college can be an overwhelming feeling. I started college back in 2011, right after graduating high school. I did a program called the master plan which allows Freshman and new students like transfers an opportunity to make friends, get familiar with campus and information about classes, greek life and raise awareness about sexual assault and granted you get to move in a week early before everyone else.

I did a full semester on campus and I had one of the hardest times adjusting. I was home sick, I didn’t have a car and had to rely on friends that I went to high school with to give me rides back home when they went of course but I felt stuck and I felt like a burden and high school did not prepare me how mentally and emotionally draining college was. So I took a break from school for about two years, deciding on what I really wanted to do.

When I enrolled back in to school,  I did online classes and still didn’t truly know what I wanted. So I did most of my gen-ed classes, trying to take it slow so I can decide what I really wanted to major in. About three semesters of online classes it finally hit me on what I wanted to do for the rest of my life. I wanted to major in Broadcasting in Radio. I changed majors and then got the news that I would need to move back to campus because they hardly offered any broadcasting classes online. I had a complete panic attack at work when I found out because I only had a month to get everything together and to transfer jobs.

A week before I moved back to campus the panic started to sink in again. I started thinking about who my roommate was going to be, is she going to be really young? Immature? Are we going to be completely different and hate each other? Granted, I was 22 moving back into the dorms. I didn’t think anyone my age would be living in the dorm. Was I going to miserable like I was my first time living on campus? Was I going to hate my classes? Everything negative, I thought it but I didn’t have to worry about rides because I went and bought me a car a few months before the summer started.

The first day I moved in, my roommate didn’t show up. She didn’t show up for almost a week. I met her at 3 in the morning on a night where I had a 8 am class. She couldn’t get a flight out sooner. Her name was Yen, she was 25 and was from Vietnam. She was my height, thin with medium length chocolate brown hair and dark brown eyes. She was sincerely sweet and apologized for waking me up. She didn’t have a comforter, no sheets or pillows for her bed. I had brought some spare blankets with me and gave her some and a pillow. I wasn’t going to let her sleep on the bare, twin size dorm mattress.

The next day, I had met a girl named Dylan in my hall after class. She was an inch shorter than me, pale red hair, same size as me and green/hazel eyes. We had said hello to each other but it soon turned into a full blown conversation. She was 27, from Tennessee and she was roomed with a Brazilian girl named Leilai who was about my roommates age. “Oh I’m so glad I’m not the only older one here! I feel better that someone in the mid twenties are living in the dorms!” I sighed in relief. Dylan just laughed. She later invited me to hang out with her friends Madi, Kelli and Greta.

That night I met Greta and Kelli first who were roommates. Madi came in Dylan’s room about 30 minutes later and I found out that all the girls had met each other last year at the master plan program. Madi was 5’11, long brown hair with brown eyes , Greta was 5’2, long dark brown hair and hazel eyes and Kelli was 5’8, long curly blonde hair with blue eyes were 19. Kelli was from Chicago, Greta was from Boston and Madi was from all over the place. They made me feel like I had been friends with them for years, plus they were hilarious. I had never laughed so hard in my life. Each of their personalities were completely different but it worked in such a unique, powerful way and from that day, we all hung out with each other, getting closer and closer.

Dylan and I became roommates after Dylan’s roommate left college. I was a bit nervous because I heard that living with your friends can turn into a bloody battle in a blink of an eye but we were so alike in many ways. Madi had gotten a new roommate after hating her last one. Her new roommate’s name was Hannah and she instantly became one of our closest friend. She was the missing piece in our friend group. Everyone brought a little different piece to the group, growing up so differently, in different places and all of us being so headstrong. Don’t get me wrong, we butted heads like any friends but it only made us appreciate each other more.

I had never met such a group of strong, intelligent, supportive, genuine people in my entire life. I had rarely experience such healthy friendships like I had in these girls and without them, I probably wouldn’t like school as much as I did. Granted, I loved every single class that I took. Having healthy friendships and majoring in something you love makes school 100 times better.

A Great Way to Start off the Summer.

Today started off a little slow. I woke up c to 4pm since I didn’t go to bed till after 5 am. You know those conversations you don’t want to end? Yeah, I was having those and I was dreading knowing that I was falling asleep mid-sentence with my phone in my hand but I finally passed out.

When I had woken up, Blake one of my best friends had call to make sure our plans for Louisville were still in action. We were going to go to the Mercury Ballroom, stand outside of the venue and try to meet the band, HAIM. We were both too poor to afford tickets and too be honest, I have heard maybe just a handful of their songs.

My best friend Dylan whom I met back in August where I started school again had come up for a few days, one for a two day health convention for her classes and two to visit me. One of the main things I love about Dylan is that she’s down for whatever so of course she was down for going to Louisville and waiting with Blake and I as we meet the band, HAIM.

Driving to Louisville is literally the worst experience for me. I have really bad anxiety and driving in a crowded city always spikes my anxiety though the roof so after having nearly a panic attack we make it to the parking garage just a block away from the Mercury Ballroom. We went to the Brown Hotel which felt like I was being transported back to the 40’s. I instantly felt underdressed because everything was so classy and fancy including the staff that worked there and the visitors that were eating in their restaurant. I have a love for the Brown Hotel because not only is it beautiful exterior and interior but it also was the place where the famous dish, ‘The Hot Brown’ was invented. It’s a Kentucky thing because my friends who are from different states, mostly Northern are like, ‘a what?’

But when we got to the Mercury Ballroom we managed to hear the last three songs and one of them was my favorite, The Wire, which might be cliche because that’s one of their famous ones but it’s so damn catchy. It was my summer song of 2015 but we chilled on the side of the Mercury Ballroom that was roped off to stop people from crowding the side of the building and crowding the parking garage.

We waited for about 2 maybe 3 hours, Dylan and I sitting down on some step that belonged to a restaurant and Blake stood by the ropes. Blake had managed to strike up a conversation with a group of girls that seemed to blossom into a social network friendship. He also managed to get three free tickets to The Joy Formidable concert. Dylan and I talked to these two girls, one who went to the same college as us and the other who actually lived in Louisville. They were super nice.

About midnight is when HAIM’s manager came out and told us that HAIM was going to come out and say hey and take pictures with us, granted he needed to get them on the road in about 25 minutes. There was probably maybe a group of 30 people, including us waiting in line to meet HAIM. When they came out, only Alana and Este came out. Danielle didn’t and a lot of people were disappointed but when it was my time to come to meet 2/3 of HAIM I started to freak a little because I didn’t really know what to say to them.

But OF COURSE, they were so chill. They were beautiful, tall and Este and I wreath same height. They brought me in for a group hug. Talked for a bit, Este complimented me on my height after Dylan said I looked really short. They were so nice, I got a picture or a million thanks to Blake and I wished them safe travels as they get on the road to go onto their next show.

Sometimes it surprises me with how chill and mellow most musicians, celebrities, etc. are. You always see them in a different light due to the media and you just forget that they are people just like you, that do something very public for a living. They have the same feelings, emotions, etc. like you and it’s cool to see people so grounded.

Ending this day with eating McDonalds at 2 in the morning and crying over Bernie Sanders speech was just a perfect way to end an amazing day.