untitled

have you ever looked at yourself in the mirror and didn’t like what you see? Have you ever been in the middle of a sentence and stopped talking because you don’t recognize the person that you’ve become?

I have been questioning everything I’ve said lately. How I’ve said it. Why I’ve said it. What drives me to act the way that I do. I don’t think I’m the worst person but I’m not the best either. I’m impatient, I’m cruel, I say I’m blunt but in reality I’m mean and unapologetic about it too. I’m selfish even though I dislike selfish people. I’m a hypocrite. My first thing I tend to do is lash out at people and it’s scary to realize how natural that comes to me.

I honestly question how I have the great friends I have now all the time. I don’t understand how and why I’m like this. I think back to my childhood a lot, especially how my mother was/is. My mother was a very angry woman who did a lot of backstabbing, gossip and talking behind her friends back. She constantly threatened people due to her position in power that she had at the time.

I had made a vow to never end up like my mother. Our relationship is unhealthy. Almost nonexistent. But as I stopped in the middle of a conversation I was having, I almost broke out into tears. I was my mother. Over Spring Break, I did something unnecessary and childish, posting a post on Tumblr about seeing ex friends and letting my anger take over, I shit talked about he encounter we had, which I didn’t think would blow back in my face and it did and I take full responsibility for that. I let my anger get the best of me and I lashed out on social media, which is something my mother does.

Why does it come natural to me to lash out in the most hurtful way? I’m an ugly person. I’m 24 and acting like a child. Why can’t I just let it be and let go of my anger or handle it healthy? I know change starts with me but how do you break such an unhealthy habit? I don’t want to be my mother. There is nothing good in her and that’s a fact. I want to be able to be proud of the person I am. I want to have a conversation that’s bubbly, happy and healthy. Not negative and unhealthy. And granted now all of my conversations are like that.

My friends say I’m caring, empathetic, sympathetic, a good listener, etc. and I see that as well but I can’t help but to focus on the negative because that’s the part I want to change. I love the feeling that my friends come to me to tell me things because they trust me and I want them to.

I just want to change the part where if something happens that rubbed me the wrong way, I let it go instead of instantly complaining or saying something hurtful. I used to write down my feelings, never shared my feelings with anybody because I didn’t trust anybody but that was a positive enforcement. Maybe I should go back to that and stay to myself until I cool down and get over whatever caused me to be angry/annoyed.

I just want to be a person that I recognize, that I’m proud of. That is happy and healthy.

 

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