Friendships.

I can’t remember if I wrote about my friendships before or not… if I have, this is an update, if I haven’t… this is a new post.

I was friends with three people for a long time. Three best friends that I never thought would not be on speaking terms… and here we are.

I could write about how many good stories I share with them but I could also write about all the horrible stories I share with them too but I’m not going to. Instead, I’m going to write about how toxic the relationships were.

Have you ever met people that were just bad seeds and everyone told you they were but you were couldn’t personally see what bad they saw until it ended? That’s the point I’m at right now. I have ended the relationships and I’m just letting go. It’s not sad either and I’m honestly surprised. But this has been a long time coming.

Meeting the friends that I have done here has made me realize how unhealthy my friendships were with these three people. How different the friendships were, how easily  I could sit here and compare them and I’m not only putting the blame on them. I have made my mistakes and done damage and I admit and take responsibility for it completely.

Writing text messages, pouring out how you feel and either getting nothing back or a short, clipped, brushed off response, is getting the answer you knew was coming. Ending the relationships were just the next steps and surprisingly easily. The only sad part is finding out how easily people can be so manipulating and are manipulated. People not wanting to take responsibility for their actions and blame you for everything. Even the wrong that they did on their own to make them look like a good friend/person. When most of the stuff that they have said to you, that you supposedly have said, you knew that they said it.

Knowing that you’re name is going to be slung through the mud because they refuse to look like the horrible person that they are and being slightly bothered by that, like any human would be. But maybe I needed to go through this to understand that the friends that I have in my life are going to be my friends for life, that they’re only spread with love and positivity and that you never have to worry about feeling left out, made fun of, put down or insecure.

Moral of the story, let negative and toxic people go from your life. That even though they might be friends or family and even both, the sooner you let go, the happier you’ll be.

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Abuse.

(trigger warning…)

is more of a taboo topic. There are different types but I wanted to focus on one that personally happened to me. That still affects me still to this day. Child abuse. There are severe cases that make the news, but it’s not talked about enough. It’s something that we kind of suspect when we’re around certain people but no one is brave enough to ask the questions that those children/teenagers are silently pleading for you to ask. I was one of those children.

There are more accounts that I remember clearly than most. There are some that still haunt me to this day. The experiences so bad that I suffer from depression, anxiety and OCD. So bad that it ruins my relationships and that is a horrible thing to deal with. When people ask you, do you want to have children and you shake your head no, then the follow up question of why not? You pause, wanting to spill your horrific childhood out to that complete stranger but then you don’t and just reply, I just don’t see it happening.

When all I wanted was this big, happy family. Marriage, three to four children, even some dogs and cats. But knowing that, that option is off the table because you’re too scared to get intimate with a guy because the thought of physical contact scares you to the point where you’re crying in his bathroom floor, gasping for air, struggling to breathe because you worked yourself into a panic attack because he put his hand on your thigh without your knowledge of his intention. That you’re talking yourself out of a panic because you know that this gesture is comfortable for him because he did it with his other girlfriends and that what boyfriends or couples in general do to one another. Laying their hands against you, feeling comfortable, an act of intimacy.

I have never receive therapy or counseling for this. Who has the money for that because therapy sessions aren’t cheap. That diaries have became your own therapy sessions but writing can only sooth so much. When your abuser is still in your life and holds a small amount of power over you when you desperately want to hold power over your own life, especially over your abusers head. When saying goodbye to your abuser is more pain than gain because it’s just not them you’re saying goodbye to.

That negativity and anger is all you’ve known and that bleeds into your friendships and other relationships with different members of your family. When your other members on the other side of your family want so badly to heal you but you can’t. No matter how much you’ve prayed and wished for.

When you’ve learned how to live with the abuse you’ve endured for years. When you will continue to live with the abuse for, forever.